I'm gonna kill that prick!

ArgH! I would strangle that brat if I could!!!!

Damnit, I couldn't handle a stubborn 7-year old in class who doesn't want to study at all. I don't understand why parents need to shove studying in their children's throats and completely ignore that their kids are already turning so green.

And I'm red with anger.

I couldn't help it! I was repeating this one item in the textbook and all I wanted him to do is to repeat. He wouldn't so I said, "Okay let's try letter B, I'm sick of letter A." What am I gonna do?! I wanted to talk with him about the stuff that he likes. I already told his mother that it's ok for us to talk about whatever but she insisted on the book.

I swear I'm going to kick that prat out of my class!!!!!!!!!

And yes, I'm self-pitying again because I couldn't handle a 7-year old when I know that others can and beautifully so. I thought that if it were others, they're the kid's favorite by now and the kid would be waiting for the phone to ring everyday saying "I want teacher!"

I'm not satisfied with myself. I don't think that I'm doing anything right in my life or in my career or anything. Mediocrity is depressing. I want my coffeeeee!!!!!! Damn it, my mind is racing like hell again.

I wanna play my game again so when I get to the next level, I could say that I'm good. Who am I kidding?!

God, I'm hopeless.

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reading Nora Roberts

Jewels of the Sun
Tears of the Moon
Heart of the Sea

I thought that romantic novels were kind of cheap and only mystifies the realities of love. All were cliche and nothing that I have never heard of. Predictable. Almost brainless as it's made to only pull at your heart strings, even tingle some hot blood.

I wouldn't say otherwise for the three novels of Nora Roberts, or even many of her novels as I have read them. However, before a fan shoots fire at me, I would like to add that she's a favorite author of mine. And I tell you, I don't know why.

The novels by Nora Roberts share a pattern, I can see them well. First, the images of the main characters are perfect--not perfectly perfect but perfectly imperfect as I think the author already knows the secret of the trade. Nevertheless, the god/goddes-like physical features are still there, as if the characters were brought down from the pedestals of Mt. Olympus. They could only make one wonder, "Where on earth could I find such creatures?" Downside is that Roberts had the tendency to create stereotypes in her novels. I think the men looked the same save for some features. It's like they have "protagonist" written on their foreheads.

Second, there seemed to be a pattern of the compatibility of the superior and the inferior. The guys rich, the girls in distress. The girls strong in character, the guys melt. It's almost ideal, almost predictable as I have already said.

On the other hand, what I appreciate about the novels are the plots. I specifically like the element of magic in the novels. Love is magic, so they say , I understand that. But magic was beautifully crafted in many of Roberts' novels that makes the figurative literal, tangible and descriptive. We think, "love is magic" but either is vague unless brought into a specific context.

That brings me to my second point which is language. I like the language. It's highly descriptive like it's going to come out of the page, at least for me. The characters and plot may be out of this world and a logical mind would say that they're unrealistic but Roberts' language makes them all seem true. I guess that's a skill that every writer should have else nothing.

Third, I like the local color. I like how Roberts' use places like Carolina, Montana, New York and of course, Ireland. I think I love Ireland now. Haha! I don't know exactly if the descriptions are accurate since I haven't been to Ireland but even before seeing, I believe. Does it make me an idiot? I think I can feel the breeze, see the sea and taste the Guiness on my lips. Maybe Ireland is really a magical country afterall. ^_^

Fourth, I also appreciate how Roberts tried to inject feminist values in the novels. I can see that. I remember one chance in "Heart of the Sea" where Brenna questioned Trevor on his choice of workers based on gender. Also, Roberts makes sure that the guys in the novels may appear god-like with riches and sculpted bodies but would sooner come out like an idiot in handling their women. I'd like to quote from somewhere,"Men control the world, women control the men." Somewhere in the middle, there would be a reversal of superior-inferior roles and that's where the deeper connection would come from. The style solidifies my own belief that women's so-called weaknesses are actually strengths that many women fail to manipulate to their advantage. bwahahaha!!!

Would there be no one who would make movies out of her novels?!

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not worth of anything

I don’t feel well. I have cough and it really bugs me. Good thing that it’s not serious because I have the tendency to seemingly cough my lungs out. I really hate that. I feel tired now and I just want to have a long rest and sleep. I didn’t sleep much yesterday because I went with my family to pick Papa up from the airport.

I was happy to see him, though it didn’t show maybe. I didn’t even see him off when he went back to work last summer.

He bought a laptop for Gelo and I couldn’t help but feel only a bit envious. I thought, it could have been mine. I need it. I’m the writer after all, right? Oh well, I just thought, what could a black sheep like me expect?

We went to duty free and bought some groceries. Mama was very gracious and told me to get my own cart and haul some groceries. Deep in my heart, I was embarrassed. Of course I know that I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve anything that they give me. I don’t give anything to them in return, not even enough love and care at the very least. I want to. God knows I want to. I just thought, if ever our planned business booms, I’ll be the one giving to them.

I want more of Chef d' Angelo

It’s Monday! Oops, did I sound too happy when I said that? Haha! I really don’t think that Monday is a day to be happy about since it’s time for work again, less sleep, blah blah. Well, most people would know that.

I had a pretty good time last weekend. My girlfriend, two of her co-workers and I, went out after their company party. We ate at Chef d' Angelo at Robinson’s Galleria. Their pasta’s really great. It’s good especially when I’m craving for some pasta.

My favorite is their Oven-Baked Ziti. It’s really yummy with their white sauce and then red sauce around the middle. It also comes with 2 garlic breads and the serving size is for two. All their pasta serving sizes are for two, I guess, but I don’t share mine ^_^. Sheri got her Tuna Pesto. It could come as spicy or non-spicy. Libby really didn’t know what she’d get so we recommended the chef sampler. There are 3 chef samplers and what she got was the pizza-pasta-fried chicken combo. This sampler’s good for starters. The pasta comes in red sauce or white sauce, depending on your preference. The red sauce’s a little sour because of the tomatoes. Laven had an order of oven baked ziti too and cheesy fries. Cheesy fries is like home-made fries with dipping. Yummy! I would also recommend the 4-cheese deluxe pizza and the Big Wings chicken coated in BBQ sauce. For drinks, red iced tea has the right kind of sweetness for me and for desserts, they do have a variety of cakes. Cheesecake’s a good shot. I think Chef the Angelo is one of the good restaurants that gives the best value for your money.

Thing is, I broke my diet. T_T

On Sunday, I had a business meeting with my uncle. Everything went well and business will proceed, hopefully, will open next year. I really do have to work double time now. Plan well, think well, work hard!!!

So help me God.

i want that sushi!!

I was craving for sushi yesterday but I didn't buy some. I knew that I really liked it and I was pretty determined to eat sushi yesterday just before we left the house in the afternoon.

I was thinking of going to Dad's (Dad's eat-all-you-can, SM Megamall) and eat all the sushi and the delectable desserts that I want on Saturday. For just P450, I could eat all the delicious sushi and even get to eat lots of extras. I know in my heart that I would absolutely love that. My girlfriend didn't want to go there at first because she thought it was too expensive and worried that we might not be able to eat what our money's worth. I convinced her on it and then when she finally said yes, I was the one who's backing out on it. I thought that it would be expensive and then told myself that I shouldn't be eating all I want because I'm, in fact, on a diet. Dammit, dammit, dammit!


I hate this part of me that holds back on something that I really want to do. I'm always afraid to take a step to my goal. I knew that I want it but there would always be that part in my mind that would tell me about the restrictions,
limitations and conseqences of what I wanted to do. May it be eating my favorite food or buying the clothes that I want... it's difficult for me to do so. It's like I'm almost afraid to indulge myself into something, fearing that something bad may happen in return.

Maybe I don't like regrets. I don't want to tell myself that I wished I didn't do that. Still, it's not good. I KNOW it's not good! It's not helping me at all and I just end up sad and frustrated because I didn't grab the opportunity when it passed by me.

However, I guess it's different with some things. I wanted to learn Japanese and now, I have learned Hiragana, Katakana and abot 30 Kanji characters in about 2 weeks. I thought it was difficult but I was able to get to it. I wanted to go to Korea as an exchange student before and although I knew that there could be consequences, I took it.

Maybe I'm just sensitive with time and money... or even feelings. I'm afraid to waste those two irreplacable and hard to earn elements in life. I think I have to take care in how would I spend those elements, trying hard not to waste them in the process.

So for Christmas, I'm now debating on getting a PSP for myself, getting a refrigerator or spending the money on other people's presents.

???

looking back

I got my evaluation for regularization today after 6 months on probation.

I was really, really nervous when my AM supervisor told me to wait for the operations manager because he's going to discuss my evaluation. It felt like I wanted to go home right away. I was scared that I wouldn't get to be regularized.

When the manager talked to me, he gave me good feedback on my classes. He said that I handled my classes smoothly and that I was able to make good rapport with my students. He said I handle my classes with 'class'. Hehe... He also said that I'm so patient with my beginner students although he said I should learn more Korean expressions. I'm not really the teacher who likes using korean expressions as much as possible. We're learning English anyway. And besides, I'm not very good with pronunciation so I wouldn't want to add that to the confusion.

So that went well and of course, he gave me some recommendations on points that I can still improve. For the korean management part, it was ok since I didn't have any complaints from my students for the past 6 months. I', actually quite happy about that since I heard other teachers get complaints about all sorts of stuff from student refunds (which would be a big minus on the evaluation) to pronunciation and diary checking. I guess I was lucky with my students! It really pays to build rapport with students and treat them as kindly and friendly as possible--though I still couldn't get to Sheri's level. I still cannot erase the thin wall between others and me. Distant, calculating, safe.

Still, I got 1 month extension on my probation contract. Not bad, I can do it in a month since time just passes by so quickly. Good thing that I'm expecting to be a regular employee by November so I could get the 3-day leave on December for my parent's anniversary.

***

I saw one of my elementary-highschool batchmate at the lobby of our building today. She's Cathleen Aquino, or Cate. I was pretty suprised to see her and I think she was surprised too. I could see in her eyes that she wasn't able to recognize me instantly, maybe because of my short hair and glasses now compared before that I had long hair and quite a very shy appearance. She was in hot pink. She just told me that she was working in the building too. She told me the name of her company but I didn't quite quite catch since I was also in a hurry.

I've been seeing old aquaintances. A week ago, I saw my Chemistry teacher and sat beside her in a bus. She's now working in a call center company, probably because she needed more money now than before. Call centers could really lure people away from their career. ^_^V
Thinking about it, I think I miss my old friends and acquaintances not only from elementary and highschool but also from college. I got a few good friends but I haven't been able to make contact with them. I guess I have been very busy.

And to think, I told myself before that there's no such thing as being "too busy". And then I was trapped. What a shame...

I want to go out with them sometime. And I still owe Dyan, my closest friend in highschool, a secret.

so good to think about it

Lets101 - Free Online Dating

Alright, I could say that I actually smiled when I read this. You know what I love about these kinds of tests and fun what-nots is that they just boost my esteem--not that they're not true! See the description in all caps? Yeah!!! haha ^_^V

digging in the well of my soul

I feel that it's Friday today. My students are having their holiday tomorrow because of the Korean foundation day but we still have our classes =( I hope that it's a holiday for us too!!

This morning, I got my girl's health certificate from the city hall. There was required health seminar so I went there at 9 to take it. Of course I wasn't the one who should take it, but my girl's shift ends at 10 and then it would be too late. We still needed to sleep. Despite me as proxy (of course they didn't know that), everything went well. I was a little bit nervous when I went there because I was a little worried that I might get caught. In addition, I lost the receipt as proof that I already paid for the seminar. So everything ended at around 10:30 and my girlfriend treated me to pizza and ice cream ^_^

I started to learn the japanese Hiragana today!! Really, I want to learn something again. I wondered for a moment why wouldn't I just continue learning Korean since I already know the basics but then again I thought that I have always wanted to learn Nihonggo since I was a freshman in highschool!

Truly, I'm going back to my fascination in manga and anime. Now, I'm beginning to like Japanese drama too. I thought I should go back to where I first got my inspiration to write. The japanese ideals really attracts me and just how they are able to give symbolisms to human experience. I find it heartwarming that despite the fact that Japan is a technologically advanced country, they are very much in touch with their emotions. In addition, history tells us that the Japanese were devastatingly cruel during the world war II. People from the countries that were victims of the war are still holding some grudge, if not a lot, because of the thousands of deaths and abuse before. In spite of this, Japanese ideals as portrayed in their manga and drama are giving importance to human relationships, friendship, compassion and belief in the ideals that people may tend to forget because of anger, revenge and loneliness brought about by past experiences and/or trauma.

As for me, I believe in those ideals too. I hate the forgetfulness of the more important things in life. I hate how money seems to blind people into believing that it could replace true relationships; how work consumes most of the day without barely a time to look at the stars; how we sometimes lose our confidence in ourselves trust in those around us.

I am being my idealistic self again.
Is that so bad?

lost tears lost

Such a gloomy day.

Bad news we received today. One of my girlfriend's co-teacher's only child last night died when he drowned while playing in a creek. They say it was about 5pm when the 9 year-old child was reported lost. The mother, my girlfriend's co-teacher, was at work for the pm shift at 2-11pm. It was about 9pm when she received a text message that her son was lost. She went home immediately. Racked with nervousness and fear that something more than just being 'lost' happened, she took a cab when she normally wouldn't.

But death doesn't wait. She arrived and found her son dead. Her one and only son is dead.

Times like this can make you question fate and even God. Such a thing makes you think that life is just unfair for taking away such a precious one without a warning and without even a chance to say goodbye.When I think about my love ones leaving me like that, I feel scared. It shakes me and it could make me cry-- just the mere thought of it! I think I would just crumble if it would really happen. I haven't experienced a death of a love one and I'm afraid that when it happens, I wouldn't know what to do. I could cry forever.

Today, the rain pours incessantly outside. The sky looked like it wouldn't shine for quite some time.

crossing my fingers for luck

So here I am, making another blog for myself since I got tired of my old blog. I thought I should make a new start again, get some writing on my nerves everyday until I get the hang of it. I definitely should start writing and looking for my own voice, my muse and yes, even my own 'duende' as Kidlat Tahimik would call it. Cross your fingers for me. I hope I can keep this updated all the time since I'm always in front of the computer everyday except weekends.

I'm taking my mind off astronomical goals at this point. I am going to take a breather, start with small steps that would eventually bring me there to where I want to be. I usually have big goals and I really couldn't keep up. One thing at a time. Breathe in, breathe out. There.

I bought a citrine charm bracelet today from a cheap store. BEFORE buying it, I read that citrine charms is called the 'merchant's stone' and it is somewhat lucky in attracting money. Yeah, definitely need that right now. In addition, it also enhances positive thinking and self-esteem. AFTER buying, I read that we shouldn't buy charms from cheap stores because they may have bad vibes due to the many people who touch and try the charms on. They are also not blessed and empowered with feng shui energies.

Oh man, I do not know now. Luck, I really need it. Well I was brought up not to believe in luck but blessing. Then again, I'm a bit desperate nowadays so I thought a little push of luck wouldn't hurt, right? Wish me luck people! I need it, I need it! Let all the good luck of the people who touched my charm bracelet be unto me. Ya!

If this works, I'll definitely buy a charm from Charms and Crystals.